Eurovision Finals 2006

(This was live-blogged, so all typos and unfinished sentences are charming, you know?)

The main event, the main man, the main all

Giant pumpkin, in flames (?), Titanic-looking lady; opera

Host provides us with the first white dinner jacket of the evening. Must be a record. Hostess wears a yellow, unflattering dress. Usual shitty banter.

Last year’s winner sings the winning song. Still shitty, but she’s smoking hot, so all is well. The hosts are: Will & Grace. This the yellow dress makes sense.

First up: Switzerland
1) 641 (Sox For One) – We all give a little
Every single one is off-key; extra points for rub-on tans; hands gestures like spastic wannabes. Typically topical song. Message songs never work, unless it’s Marvin Gaye. If you all give a little, it’s still not enough.

2) Moldovia
Poorest country in Europe: can’t afford clothes for the contestant. COnnector-Loca.
Fly gulz and homeez from Moldovia; sort of like Black-Eyed Peas, but not, and really shitty to boot. Scooter.dude looks like Sean Paul with dreads. Just sad…throw some "yeaha" Throw some hands in the air.

3) Israel. Least soulful black guy ever. Sort of like Living Color. Eddie Butler. Open by lying straddled on a white piano. Do I vven need to mention that they are all wearing white?? They are all completely out of tune. Some are out of sync. The song is probably the first English. Yiddish song I’ve heard. Together we are one. Unless we shoot you. Or get killed by you. Another awful message song. I can’t type any more. Jews may take over the entertainment industry, but none seem to be in Israel.

4) Kosmos. Hear your heart. A capella. Latvia. Plus points for trying. Tallinn Transfer. Plus points for a capella, but could have rehearsed more. The King’s Singers they’re not. More white jackets. Herr Flick from the Gestapo in the background. Releases a red balloon.

5) Norway. Or rather, Bergen. Back-up singer from Robert Palmer’s "Addicted to Love" video. Sounds meatier here, but the bass is going nuts in the bottom.

6) Spain. Bloody Mary by Las Ketchup. Had a huge summer hit in ’03(?). Some odd capoeira dudes writhe in the foreground. This is really shit. They sing just like Portugal, in that they don’t. You know all those tuneless, awful numbers you endure is Spanish movies, because they’re authentic and shit? Yeah, it’s like on of those. For some reason, the response is really positive.

7) Malta. Their most popular singer, for what it’s worth. Fabrizio,looks like a swarthy Barry Manilow. I do. Please don’t.

8) Tyskland. Singer/composer is Australian. Has sold 1 million copies; extremely popular and are favorites in the contest. Terry Gilliam on banjo. Country-tinged. German comboys and cowgirls. The mix is fucking weird. This has really heavy bass too. Spirited and fun. Plus points for sound grasp of the English language, but then again, she’s an Aussie.

9) Denmark. Twist of Love. Sounds like the sort of novelty song you find on soundtracks. Sort

10) Russia. Sounds like a Ricky Martin/Latin lover number. Albino lady in piano.

11) Macedonia. Hot Pants. Slighty smaller bra. Dry-humping dancer still look unsure of what to do. Sounds worse now, though.

(Greece refues to acknowledge Macedonia)

12) Romania. Tornera. Solid disco. Black suit, surprisingly, and Chuck Taylors.

13) Bosnia.

14) Lithaunia. Spastic air guitar. We are the winners. Probably not, but I somehow like it better this time around. Plus points for Van Halen-esque keyboard.

15) UK. Daz Sampson. WTF? What did you learn in school today? Sassy schoolgirls. I feel like a dirty pig. And am. Some people reckon it sounds like "Another brick in the wall". It doesn’t.

16) Greece. Anna Vissi. 49 yrs old. Still not bad. Sounds like an Aerosmith ballad, and she sort of looks like Steven Tyler, so that works. Could definitely be a contender, and it sounds really good.

17) Finland. Lordi. Not a winner, but great fun. Looks, annd sort of sounds, like GWAR. Lyrics are so fucking cheesy, but it adds to the fun. Rocktastic. The Rockapolypse. Etc. Plu points for the extending wings. Judas Pries for all the family.

18) Ukraina. Shakira-like. Jump-ropes? Talk to my hand. Hat? Heart!

19) Frankrike. Like listening to paint dry. It’s about time. Yes, to get off the stage.

20) Croatia. Severina. Turbo-folk. I want to say it’s awful, but I’m laughing too much to type straight. One Europe, one folk? Not bloody likely. And thank God for that.

21) Ireland. Zzzzzzz.

22) Sweden. Invincible. Carola lost her voice last night. Doesn’t show, except for a raspier sound which works well. Flag-carriers a bit like Dead or Alive. Good response.

23) Tyrkey. Superstar.

24. Armenia. Not much better than last time.

Nana Mouskouri makes an apperance for no particular reason, nevertheless giving us a vital heads-up to what Lisa Loeb will look like in 20 years.

—-

Finland wins! EVeryone is suprosed. I thought Norway would do better, ebing folksy and inoffensive, but alas. Still, I loved the fatc that Finland won. It was sort of my fave and while I didn’t think it would win, I thougt it wpuld well.

It’s Finland’s first time.

I hear that the US wants to join. Which would suck. I realize everyone will be singing shit R n B soon anyway, but…

Kudos to FInland, whee! Vodka!

I won the grand prize this evening. While the voting went on, we listed out top three and bottom three. I scored five out of six and went home with a nice bottle of red.

20.05.2006 • Permalink