The Protector, Abridged
In The Protector, Tony Jaa’s elephants get stolen so evil Chinese people can eat them for dinner, so he goes to Sydney to find them, as you would. A lot of bonecrunching ensues, and some other stuff happens too, like Tony Jaa getting framed by a guy who looks like McNulty from The Wire, but that’s cool, because there’s a Segway chase. Then Tony Jaa has to fight the level boss, who is tougher than the other guys, but Tony gets a power-up from a bell, and pwns the boss because Tony Jaa is teh awesome. Then he fights for another 40 minutes, and a capoeira fighter shows up and makes capoeira look pretty cool, despite all those douchebags you see in parks everywhere, and then Tony has to beat a really big guy too. After a while, Tony Jaa gets his ass handed to him by some flabby guys, but then they stab him, which is really stupid, because it makes Tony Jaa get his ANGRYFACE on, and for the next five minutes, he breaks everybody’s arms and legs while the foley artist gets paid some serious overtime. Then the boss, who may or may not be a transsexual, but either way looks pretty hot in a black corset and has a whip, tries to escape in a helicopter, but Tony Jaa jumpkicks both of them off the roof 60 floors up, which is when the movie starts to get a bit ridiculous, but hey whatever.
The Protector is presented by Quentin Taranino, and is every bit as bad as that entails, because all movies presented by Quentin Tarantino suck, except Chunking Express, which is terrific, but that was probably a fuck-up on Tarantino’s part. The Protector laughs in the face of stuff like plot and logic, and absolutely everybody involved are horrible actors, but it’s OK, because if you like martial arts movies, The Protector will seriously fuck your shit up in a good way, just like Ong-Bak, except Tony Jaa’s legs don’t get lit on fire in this one, which is kind of a pity, but what can you do?