The Protector, Abridged

Still from The Protector

In The Protector, Tony Jaa’s elephants get stolen so evil Chinese people can eat them for dinner, so he goes to Sydney to find them, as you would. A lot of bonecrunching ensues, and some other stuff happens too, like Tony Jaa getting framed by a guy who looks like McNulty from The Wire, but that’s cool, because there’s a Segway chase. Then Tony Jaa has to fight the level boss, who is tougher than the other guys, but Tony gets a power-up from a bell, and pwns the boss because Tony Jaa is teh awesome. Then he fights for another 40 minutes, and a capoeira fighter shows up and makes capoeira look pretty cool, despite all those douchebags you see in parks everywhere, and then Tony has to beat a really big guy too. After a while, Tony Jaa gets his ass handed to him by some flabby guys, but then they stab him, which is really stupid, because it makes Tony Jaa get his ANGRYFACE on, and for the next five minutes, he breaks everybody’s arms and legs while the foley artist gets paid some serious overtime. Then the boss, who may or may not be a transsexual, but either way looks pretty hot in a black corset and has a whip, tries to escape in a helicopter, but Tony Jaa jumpkicks both of them off the roof 60 floors up, which is when the movie starts to get a bit ridiculous, but hey whatever.

The Protector is presented by Quentin Taranino, and is every bit as bad as that entails, because all movies presented by Quentin Tarantino suck, except Chunking Express, which is terrific, but that was probably a fuck-up on Tarantino’s part. The Protector laughs in the face of stuff like plot and logic, and absolutely everybody involved are horrible actors, but it’s OK, because if you like martial arts movies, The Protector will seriously fuck your shit up in a good way, just like Ong-Bak, except Tony Jaa’s legs don’t get lit on fire in this one, which is kind of a pity, but what can you do?

28.02.2009 • Permalink

HuffPo At A Glance

Politics:

GOP uses Aerosmith to oppose stimulus bill.

You know what they say: the devil has all the good tunes.

Politics / Duh:

Abstinence doesn’t work. (Bristol Palin, 18)

Well, you sorta did it wrong, sweetie.

Politics / Economy:

California almost broke

Does that make the Governator an economic girly-man?

Economy:

There has been no wealth created in America since 2000.

Which is why it makes sense for wingnuts to blame the recession on President Obama.

Science:

based on the limited numbers of planets found so far, Dr Boss has estimated that each Sun-like star has on average one “Earth-like” planet.

In other words, we should build rocket ships and fly to the stars instead, because then we don’t even have to clean up the mess we’ve created. The free market can reign forever. Huzzah!

Entertainment:

I just ate a Bic Mac (Lindsay Lohan)

What do you mean, Olive Oyl isn’t a real person? Hey, if looking like a concentration camp prisoner is what it takes to conform to the standards of the glitterati, so be it!
17.02.2009 • Permalink

Hell Is External Devices

 

error message

So I bought a new external HD the other day. My old one was getting pretty full, as well as just getting old, so it was more or less time to make the switch. I picked up a new drive, a Lacie Network Space ethernet thingie designed by Neil Poulton (who sounds like he’s probably friends with Jony Ive) with 1 TB of memory, which equals a lot of filth, and was just about to clone the old drive. It was at this exact time that said old drive decided to give up the ghost. Having backed up my machine the prior evening, this was both unexpected and disconcerting, to say the least. My entire music library, for example, all 65GB of it, was stored externally. As was a bunch of movies. (Luckily, they were all public domain movies I found at Google Video, so it’s not a huge disaster, and besides: early Roger Corman flicks rarely warrant a second viewing…but it’s the damn principle of it!) I tried plugging it in one more time. My desktop on my Macbook remained unsullied by HD icons. Goddamnit!

OK, then: Since it wouldn’t play nice with Apple, how about an orange? I hooked up my Acer Aspire One, which is brand new and should have no syncing problems. XP made the weird, soggy hi-hat sound it makes when you connect an external device and I thought “Eureka”, but alas. It remained invisible all the while. Someone pointed out today that it may need a driver. A driver? Why, where’s it going? Oh, right, software. As a Mac user, you tend to take a lot of things for granted. I know my IT friends think Macs are shit for being walled gardens, but speaking as a moron with no mind for customizing who likes things to work out of the box, I applaud their efforts. Not that that helped me. The drive was gone, lost, adrift on a sea of gigabytes, gigaflops, lost socks and what-have-you. I restarted. I unplugged. Restarted again, plugged back in, unplugged, cursed and bellowed, switched ports from Firewire to USB and back in less than 80 days. Every once in a while, the journaling partition became visible, but not the media drive part. Fuck! Shit! Why the hell did I partition the drive in the first place? What possible use did it serve? To taunt me in my time of need? Cocksucker! And thus did time verily fly, as it is wont to do in times of fun.

I went through many emotions during the course of the evening. When I decided to review them, a familiar list took form:

  1. Shock or Disbelief (What the fuck?)
  2. Denial (No. Fucking. Way.)
  3. Bargaining (Oh, fucking come on, willya?)
  4. Guilt (Fuck. Why didn’t I take better care of my po…, I mean, art?)
  5. Anger (FUCK!)
  6. Depression (Oh, fuck…)
  7. Acceptance and Hope (Fuck it!)

So I’m crossing my fingers and hoping that my internal HD hasn’t crapped out on me by the time I get home. I’m picking up a new external HD to be on the safe side. Once my ass is backed up, I’m going to make a few last attempt to salvage the old one. This really riles me, but perhaps it’s for the best, and I suppose you should be philosophical about these matters. After all, you need to purge once in a while, so maybe this is it. If I can’t get my music off it, it’ll be annoying, but I can always burn my CDs again. Furthermore, I think have Senuti lying around in some folder, so I should be able to retrieve it off my iPod, so it’s not all a disaster. My most recent projects are still on my laptop, as are my photos (and Christ am I glad I didn’t figure out how to put my iPhoto library on my external drive!) and documents. So it’s not like I lost a lifetime of work, but when all is said and done … well, you know … fuck!

12.02.2009 • Permalink

Why Art Students Rise Later Than Log Truck Drivers

In the studio, after-dusk dark,
Sharp X-actos gleam
And the immense paper stack
Beckons and invites
Down the worn concrete stairs
To the insomnia of the PC Lab.
Five floors of acrid air.

There is no other life.

This first saw the light of day back in 2002. Thanks to Gary Snyder, obviously.
01.02.2009 • Permalink