Frank Goddamn Miller’s The Spirit, Abridged

Still from "the spirit"


The Spirit is a movie about a hero who walks the night ALONE in CHUCK TAYLORS in the city that SCREAMS, to FIGHT for what is RIGHT and JUST and AMERICAN, when he’s not MAKING LOVE to the CITY who is his LOVER and MOTHER and also his SISTER, which sounds sort of INBRED but it’s OK because it’s written by comics LEGEND FRANK MILLER who LOST his GODDAMN MIND years ago. The Sprit can also self-heal like WOLVERINE, which at one point was also written by FRANK goddamn MILLER back when he was SANE (more or less), and was pretty good, except NINJAS, everywhere. The Spirit has to FIGHT his nemesis THE OCTOPUS who is played by Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson as a criminal mastermind who is BUGFUCK CRAZY and EVIL and wears a NAZI uniform (because a) why not? and b) FRANK goddamn MILLER always has to have (preferably GAY) NAZIS somewhere) and KILLS A KITTEN, because only an EVIL NAZI would KILL a KITTEN(!)!!!

Frank Goddamn Miller

Frank Goddamn Miller

In addition to Samuel L Motherfucking Jackson, there are lots of DAMES, which is FrankMiller for TITS, to recite his ATROCIOUS DIALOGUE and Sand Saref xeroxes her ASS, because her ASS is PERFECT and her lawyer/fence who fucked up is a PERFECT ASS, get it? DOYOUGETIT??!!! So The Spirit has to DUKE IT OUT with THE OCTOPUS in a SEWER and The Spirit gets hit in THE FACE with a TOILET, just like the VIEWER. The Spirit gets his ANGRYFACE on and tells THE OCTOPUS that he’s going to KILL HIM if it’s THE LAST THING HE DOES because FRANK MILLER, who LOST his GODDAMN MIND years ago, figures that UPDATING The Spirit for a more CYNICAL ERA means that The Spirit now wears CHUCK TAYLORS and SWEARS LIKE a SAILOR and is a vengeful KILLER because BATMAN! and SIN CITY! and comics aren’t just FOR KIDS anymore, motherFUCKER! And it very nearly is THE LAST THING The Spirit DOES when he hugs THE OCTOPUS with a HANDGRENADE and says “LET’s DIE!”, just like every character ever written by FRANK MILLER, who LOST his GODDAMN MIND years ago, would say and usually DOES at some point, but the The Spirit is SAVED by Sand Saref who is played by Eva Mendes who is VERY PRETTY but CAN’T ACT though it’s OK, because she has BIG TITS, and THE OCTOPUS BLOWS the fuck UP, which he DESERVES, because he KILLED a KITTEN dressed as an EVIL NAZI (The OCTOPUS, not the KITTEN), and it looks exactly like the scene in WATCHMEN where Osterman gets RIPPED APART and becomes BLUE and NAKED, which isn’t a RIP-OFF, but an HOMAGE.

And they KISS, because DAMES can’t keep away from a REAL MAN like The Sprit. Maybe if they had more time, or possibly an R-rating, The Spirit could RAPE LOVE HER, like Howard Roark rapes Dominique Francon in THE FOUNTAINHEAD, which was fine because the bitch WANTED IT, and FRANK MILLER loves him some AYN RAND, because AYN RAND makes FRANK goddamn MILLER look pretty SANE. Anyway, at this point The Spirit tells CAPTAIN DOLAN (who by the by is EVERY ANGRY SUPERIOR in the history of crime fiction EVER, instead of CAPTAIN DOLAN as written by WILL EISNER for 20-ODD YEARS, because now he’s written by FRANK MILLER and comics aren’t just FOR KIDS anymore, motherFUCKER!) that they have to let Sand Saref go, because she SAVED HIS LIFE and has BIG TITS. The Sprit runs into the NIGHT in his CHUCK TAYLORS to keep fighting the GOOD FIGHT for the CITY who is his LOVER/MOTHER/SISTER like an INBRED REDNECK or something, because that’s what every character ever written by FRANK MILLER, who LOST his GODDAMN MIND years ago, ever does and besides, the ONLY solution to EVERYTHING is VIOLENCE or maybe SEX, but only if it’s VIOLENT SEX. Oh right, the plot was about the Blood of Heracles, because FRANK goddamn MILLER has a well-documented FETISH for oiled-up, muscular GREEKS. Also: EGGS. The goddamn end.


10.05.2009 • Permalink