Outlander, Abridged

OK, so JESUS (Jim Caviezel) comes to EARTH, from space, because he’s an astronaut, just like ERICH VON DÄNIKEN said, when he crashes his SPACE SHIP in a lake in NORWAY around 709 AD, which is all VIKING-age and shit. JESUS JIM tries to PHONE HOME, and dig this – he speaks OLD NORSE, which is maybe a plot point, but nobody mentions it again, so I don’t know?

Anyway, JESUS JIM Jim finds a fucked-up village and then gets captured by VIKINGS who think he did it. They take him back to EDORAS to see KING JOHN HURT COLLECTING A PAYCHECK. Then they beat him up, but he escapes for a while, and then lots of people get eaten by a POORLY RENDERED ALIEN before he gets captured again. Then he’s all like “It’s my fault the dragon is here” and they say “OK, ride with us, so we can kill it” but they find A BEAR instead and JESUS JIM kills it and the king is all “You’re cool” and frees him. Also, the PRINCE is all IMPETUOUS and stuff, but he comes to respect JESUS JIM as a human being, which is very male bondey and not as HOMOEROTIC as you’d think.

So they have a FEAST to celebrate killing THE WRONG MONSTER – and guys, you didn’t notice the real monster was three times the size of a bear, and also GLOWING RED?!! – drinking mead and running on shields and other cool stuff that VIKINGS used to do; they also have Norwegian flags in the background, almost 200 years before Norway became a country and some 1100 years before the actual flag was designed. Then GUNNAR, the chief of the other village, the one that was sacked, shows up to kill EVERYBODY, because it’s just one of those days. He has two big HAMMERS and is played by HELLBOY, so you know he’s the shit. Well, JESUS JIM saves KING JOHN HURT COLLECTING A PAYCHECK – again! – and GUNNAR HELLBOY runs off, but comes running back to the village when the monster starts EATING HIS MEN in the forest. They decide to team up to kill the monster, which is why Norway has SOCIALISM and NATIONALIZED HEALTHCARE today.

JESUS JIM sets up a trap to blow the monster RIGHT THE FUCK UP, which sorta works, but not really, because the alien survived a NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST on its home planet, so what’s a bit of burning oil, eh? Also, there are now TWO aliens, which is supposed to make you all Holy bait and switch, Batman! and THE SMALL alien kidnaps the King’s daughter, FREYA, who is HOT, also LIBERATED, and takes her into the village well. So they have to save her, and follows into the well, where they find the SAVAGE LAND (but not Ka-Zar, bummer). The lower levels are all lava and stuff, but nobody loses their legs or anything fun, so I’m thinking missed opportunity, right? Anyhoo, they rescue FREYA and kill the small alien, which pisses the BIG ALIEN off, because maternal love and all that. But they kill the big one too, pushing it off the cliffside, so it falls and disappears into the WATERFALL and they’re all “it’s dead” even though we saw it SWIM capably not half an hour ago and also SURVIVE A NUCLEAR(!) FUCKING(!!) HOLOCAUST(!!!) so yeah, I bet falling a few hundred FEET into WATER totally killed it, and of course the IMPETUOUS PRINCE dies too because, yes: IMPETUOUS! (see above) and also: Prescribed sadface moment.

Btw: KING JOHN HURT COLLECTING A PAYCHECK also died a while ago, alongside GUNNAR HELLBOY, so they get a proper VIKING FUNERAL in the FJORD after JESUS JIM decides to blow up the HOMING BEACON and stick around, just a minute or so before two SPACE SHIPS land to pick him up. There’s a biggish explosion when he kills the device with his sword instead of just, you know, flipping THE SWITCH, and then the SPACE SHIPS just turn around and fly off, because they master interstellar travel but can’t even be bothered to check why the HOMING BEACON blew the fuck up just one minute before they landed?! Anyway, JESUS JIM marries FREYA, becomes king, and that’s the TRUE STORY of how NORWAY was christened.

08.03.2010 • Permalink