The Green Hornet, Abridged

Still from The Green Hornet

Probably not worth losing 50 pounds over, Rogen

SETH ROGEN plays BRITT REID, a RICH WASTREL and STONER, which is a TOTAL STRETCH. He also flexes his acting muscle by LOSING WEIGHT. When his father is KILLED DEAD, he takes up CRIMEFIGHTING because he is served BAD COFFEE one morning. So he rehires KATO, played by JAY CHOU, who is BRUCE WAYNE and LUCIUS FOX rolled up in one, plus a touch of BRUCE LEE. Then he hires CAMERON DIAZ to be HOT and also to HAVE SEX WITH, but HIJINX, then BLUE BALLS, because she prefers KATO, who is COOL and RIPPED and A GENIUS with serious MARTIAL ARTS SKILLZ. But sadly, he is also THE SIDEKICK, so BLUE BALLS for EVERYONE.

CRISTOPHER WALTZ is the MAIN BAD GUY with a NON-THREATENING NAME who nevertheless KILLS THE SHIT out of EVERYONE and runs ALL CRIME in LA, before taking on a DUMB NAME and CATCHPHRASE which has NO ACTUAL BEARING on THE PLOT. Gets BIBLICAL end.

It is DIRECTED by MAN-CHILD MICHEL GONDRY who puts his OWN SPIN on a GENERIC ACTION MOVIE by utilizing KATO-VISION, which is the same as GUY RITCHIE’s SHERLOCK HOLMES VISION, but with added GALLIC WHIMSY. Also: COCKPUNCHING. Lots of COCKPUNCHING and people GETTING CRUSHED by heavy objects, which is FUNNY and not at all DISTURBING (see also: Pineapple Express, or better yet, DON’T)

There’s also AN APPEARANCE by EDWARD FURLONG, playing a guy who runs a METH LAB, which might be CENTRAL CASTING’s idea of TEH FUNNEE! (LOLZ!!)

THE GREEN HORNET is a reasonably ENJOYABLE way to spend AN AFTERNOON, because JAY CHOU kicks NUTS and CAMERON DIAZ gets to be CUTE and SMART, but probably BETTER seen in a SETH ROGEN state of mind, which is to say HIGH as a FUCKING KITE.

26.01.2011 • Permalink

fucking iTunes is the goddam stupidest, buggiest, most counter-intuitive piece of software I can ever remember dealing with, and “counter-intuitive” ought to be, as it once was, the biggest insult you can aim at Mac software. No wonder it captured the Market. You can’t do anything with it. Gathering knowledge about it requires the same dedication the Leakeys exhibited in East Africa. And command of many of the same processes. And this is because it’s designed to Do Things For You. It’s beyond me how no one has seemed to notice this, how the Through the Looking Glass tenures of Ronald Reagan and George W. Bush have influenced an entire culture to do the opposite of what it says it will do, then lie about the results to even things up. Doghouse Riley

06.01.2011 • Permalink

iPad photo management

So far, the iPad is a pretty stellar piece of tech, BUT … what’s up with the photo management? There seems to be a ton of photo editing software, but barely any actual photo management apps.

Simply put: if – or rather when – I’m traveling, I need an iPhoto or Picasa equivalent. I take lots of photos, and need to organize them as I go. The worst part is, the photo app only needs two additional features: creating folders within the app (seriously, Apple?) and tags. And I can live without tagging. As for EXIF info and all that jazz…pfff…not a pro, don’t care.

I would also like to see a proper blogging app. Windows has had LiveWriter for free for years, and it’s superb; the closest Mac equivalent is MarsEdit, which is very good, but not perfect. RedSweater is working on it, though.

Still, the iPad is barely a year into existence. Gorillaz just made an album on an iPad, putting the last nail in the “just for consumption, not creating” coffin. Android will push Apple and vice versa, with WP7 coming from behind, so I think we’re good.

03.01.2011 • Permalink