Conan the Barbarian, Abridged

Conan

Hello, ladies.

MORGAN FREEMAN, aka THE NARRATOR sounds BORED as he narrates A DULL NARRATIVE about the Crown of ACHERON, a powerful MAGICAL ARTIFACT that is split IN TEN and given to TEN TRIBES for SAFEKEEPING, because. If the shards are COLLECTED and the Crown RESTORED, the WEARER will become ALL-POWERFUL.

YES, that sounds rather like LORD OF THE RINGS, and NEEDLESS TO SAY, reminding the audience of a FAR BETTER MOVIE after A MERE FEW SECONDS is A BAD IDEA. (Also A BAD IDEA: Keeping the shard for ONE THOUSAND YEARS instead of grinding it TO DUST and dumping it in MOUNT DOOM A VOLCANO or something.)

Anyway, CONAN is born on a BATTLEFIELD, when RON PERLMAN performs a CAESARIAN on CONAN’s MOTHER so she can see her child before she DIES. She does BOTH. CONAN becomes a TEENAGER, and KILLS four dudes. This is BETTER than the Milius version, because it shows he’s a NATURAL BORN KILLER rather than being FORGED INTO ONE by toil and anger, since the MTV GENERATION still doesn’t do NON-IMMEDIACY all that WELL, even in a MONTAGE.

CONAN grows up to become a MIGHTY BARBARIAN WARRIOR with PERFECT TEETH and also HAIR (because he’s WORTH IT) and then A BUNCH of OTHER STUFF presented in lieu of A COHERENT NARRATIVE happens at a VERY LOUD VOLUME with MUCH GORE (possibly in sub-par 3-D). CONAN slays THULSA DOOM COLONEL MILES QUARITCH KHALAR ZYM dead, possibly eating his EYES like JUJUBEES.

Adding INSULT to INJURY, not a single soul is called “SON OF A SHE-DOG”, though A HORSE is punched in THE MOUTH, because COMEDY! CONAN THE BARBARIAN will be VANQUISHED, DRIVEN BEFORE the box office return, hearing the LAMENTATIONS of the ACCOUNTANTS.

Also: BREASTS, everywhere (but equal opportunity).

14.09.2011 • Permalink